Today, on her eleventh birthday, Halle declared that she didn't want to get any older...just stay this age forever. When asked if she didn't look forward to driving in five years, or becoming a teenager in two, her response was, "nope." As her mother, I must confess, I'm totally cool with that too.
But as each years passes, I am increasingly aware of time's speed, and solely ascending direction. Her "nope," doesn't stand a chance. Mine doesn't either. And so we look forward, half dreading the growth, the uncharted territory...the further loss of the little; but there is also anticipation. There are new milestones, new depths...so much to learn and experience. I know that she feels it too.
One thing the girls absolutely love is watching old videos from when they were itty bitty. They think it's hilarious and adorable, and I just weep :( There is one video in particular when Hal is about 15 months old. We are sitting on towels in the backyard, hanging out in the sunshine. She's wearing a cute floral swimsuit, and attempting to drink out of a big girl cup, water everywhere. Her little high pitched voice is chattering away and her precious bottom is plump with a wet diaper. I remember it so sharply, which is crazy, because so much of those early years is a blur. It was one of those moments where you are acutely aware of the sweetness and goodness of this mom life. I watched this video and just felt wrecked that my precious squish of a toddler was gone. I miss her, and yet I still have her. So strange.
And so I begin this next year of my motherhood journey determined. Determined to notice and soak in the sweetness of my 11 year old. To relish the fact that she wants to go shopping with me and hold my hand in the mall. To watch as she tenderly plays with and loves on younger kids - she is so good with them. To hear her thoughts about friends and school...and the increasing feelings and emotions attached to these things. I will savor those moments when she plays with her sisters...right down at their level. I want to listen to her vent about those same sisters, and how she's "too old" to play playmobil with them all the time. I will sneak glances at her reading on the dog bed in the corner of her room. I will smile as she does the flossing dance with all the energy in the world. I will teach her the basics of makeup - how to not "over-rub" your lips together so that the tint of your lip gloss gives you a moustache. I will still hold her when she cries and check on her again in 15 minutes. I will even try and be good with the incessant requests for a phone, and expressions of displeasure with piano practice.
Because I know that now will become then. So fast. And one day I will have a 21 year old daughter, and wish that just for a moment I could scoop up the eleven year old version of that girl and plant kisses all over her face, while she laughs her head off.
Halle Ruth - I love being your mom. So very much. I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you always :)
